1 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,420 I think I've seen this. 2 00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:41,780 Have you? 3 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:43,840 No, perhaps I haven't. 4 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,330 Yes, I have. I remember. Remember now, it's him. 5 00:00:49,770 --> 00:00:50,770 Who? 6 00:00:50,930 --> 00:00:51,930 Why would a toupee? 7 00:00:53,350 --> 00:00:54,550 What about him? 8 00:00:54,890 --> 00:00:55,890 He's the murderer. 9 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,390 There hasn't been a murder. 10 00:00:58,730 --> 00:01:00,850 No, not yet, but he kills her. 11 00:01:02,550 --> 00:01:03,529 That's right. 12 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:07,350 They can't work out how he did it, because he puts the body in his 13 00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:09,970 refrigeration van, which confuses the forensic blokes. 14 00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:12,330 He gets cast on alibis. Really good, this. 15 00:01:17,430 --> 00:01:19,190 Sorry, Trance. Don't mention it. 16 00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:22,370 I didn't think. I was really looking forward to that. 17 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,310 We can still watch it. 18 00:01:24,510 --> 00:01:25,429 What's the point? 19 00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:29,150 Now we know who done it, what he done before he done it, how he nearly gets 20 00:01:29,150 --> 00:01:30,990 with it, that he's walking around with a rug on his head. 21 00:01:33,070 --> 00:01:34,670 Are you sure that's a toupee? 22 00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:36,950 Of course it is. 23 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,430 They all love them. 24 00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:40,770 You can always tell with American actors. 25 00:01:41,110 --> 00:01:43,110 Their hair gradually gets thicker with age. 26 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:44,750 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:47,860 What's on the other side? 28 00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:52,620 Oh, football. 29 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,240 Nothing else? 30 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,460 Cozy fan tootie. 31 00:01:56,940 --> 00:01:58,160 Well, there you are. You like ballet. 32 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,700 It's an opera, stupid. 33 00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:03,040 And what do you mean I like ballet? I don't like ballet. 34 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,120 We watched a Nutcracker last week. 35 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,419 Yeah, only because you was glued to that bowl as the bloke in the blue tights 36 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:09,399 said. 37 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,680 That's the only reason we watched it and I know what sort of Nutcracker you had 38 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:13,680 in mind. 39 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:16,760 Must be something else on. 40 00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:21,720 Documentary about alfalfa growing in Bolivia. 41 00:02:22,940 --> 00:02:23,940 BBC Two, is it? 42 00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:25,340 Hmm. 43 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,480 I'll go to bed with my book. 44 00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,380 Yeah. 45 00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,500 That's all either of us seems to go to bed with these days. 46 00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:47,200 My word, he is a lucky fellow. 47 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,320 Well, let's rent a video, then. 48 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:57,540 Yeah, OK. I'll get it. Do you mind? 49 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:58,840 No, of course not. 50 00:02:58,900 --> 00:02:59,900 What do you want? 51 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:00,980 Nothing too violent. 52 00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:02,300 No, OK. 53 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,140 And don't get nothing too sexy. 54 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,620 Makes me feel lonely. 55 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:08,740 Well, shall I get a comedy, then? 56 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,680 Nah, I don't fancy a comedy. 57 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,280 Well, what else is left, Trace? 58 00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:16,650 No sex, no violence, no laughs. 59 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,130 What do you want? 60 00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:19,470 Adventures of a Costa Canton? 61 00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:21,770 Well, a nice murder, you know. 62 00:03:22,190 --> 00:03:24,010 I thought you didn't want nothing violent. 63 00:03:24,210 --> 00:03:25,650 Well, I don't mind a murder. 64 00:03:25,990 --> 00:03:27,810 You know, one sort of family murder. 65 00:03:28,210 --> 00:03:31,050 Where you just have to look away once and you're OK for the rest of the film. 66 00:03:31,390 --> 00:03:34,610 It's sitting there watching people thump seven kinds of crap out of each other. 67 00:03:34,670 --> 00:03:38,070 I can't... All that blood and crunchy noises. 68 00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:42,570 Right, OK. So it's one non -violent domestic murder. 69 00:03:42,850 --> 00:03:43,850 No sex. 70 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,090 No laughs. 71 00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:48,290 Oh, I'm getting the tin of oval tea and I think we've run out. 72 00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:52,850 Eh? Well, the Europa's over next to the video shop. 73 00:03:53,570 --> 00:03:54,570 Oh, yeah. 74 00:03:55,190 --> 00:03:56,490 And a packet of Abbey Crunch. 75 00:03:56,910 --> 00:03:57,910 I fancy a biscuit. 76 00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:01,290 I'll tell you something, Trace. 77 00:04:01,570 --> 00:04:03,790 This life in the fast lane's too much for me. 78 00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:15,800 When you're a young lady, use lots of mascara. 79 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,339 And when you're a slightly older lady, use lots more mascara. 80 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,240 We'll draw the curtains then. Let's see it properly. 81 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,780 We never had the curtains drawn just now and we was watching LA Weeks. We'll 82 00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:33,780 never pay for that. 83 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:38,960 What are you doing? 84 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,280 Might as well be comfortable. 85 00:04:41,909 --> 00:04:43,290 All set now, are we? 86 00:04:43,910 --> 00:04:46,310 Shall I just nip out with some popcorn and Keora? 87 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:51,170 Yeah, shall I grope you in the dark bits and chuck paper at the back of your 88 00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:52,170 head, eh? 89 00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:55,710 Just all the lines out there, just after the actors all the way through, just to 90 00:04:55,710 --> 00:04:57,050 make you feel like you're down a multiplex. 91 00:04:57,810 --> 00:05:00,210 No need for sarcasm, thank you very much. 92 00:05:00,850 --> 00:05:01,850 Right. 93 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:06,130 Actually, there is one thing. 94 00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:08,590 What? 95 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,500 I think I'd better go now before the lights go down. 96 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:14,840 It 97 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:22,040 just 98 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,040 doesn't seem fair. 99 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,980 The poor chap doesn't stand a chance. 100 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,320 Hello, Chigwell Massage Parlour. All tables catered for. Fiona speaking. How 101 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,320 I help you? 102 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,680 Well, I knew it was you. 103 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,060 My husband, little one, even as we speak, is helping himself to large 104 00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:45,860 of buck's fizz on a departing 747. How are you? 105 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:50,120 What? 106 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,440 Oh, I see. 107 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,320 No, no, I quite understand. 108 00:05:58,020 --> 00:05:59,700 Yes, yes, another time. 109 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,900 No, no, it's all right, really. I'm just glad you phoned me now. I was just 110 00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:04,900 about to start getting ready. 111 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,240 What's that smell? 112 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,740 I can't smell nothing. 113 00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:24,160 Well, turn it on, then. 114 00:06:24,540 --> 00:06:27,520 I've turned it on. You must be able to smell it. It's horrible. 115 00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:29,800 Well, nothing's happening. 116 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,360 It takes a minute, doesn't it? Have a bit of patience. 117 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,180 What is that whiff? 118 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,300 I'll get it. 119 00:06:50,430 --> 00:06:51,430 Hello, door. 120 00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:53,830 Been cleaning behind the cooker, have you? 121 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:55,950 I have been strut up. 122 00:06:56,730 --> 00:06:57,730 Who's you going out with? 123 00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:58,970 Prince Philip? 124 00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:04,969 What you do? 125 00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:05,970 What you up to? 126 00:07:06,150 --> 00:07:07,150 Auditioning for dynasty? 127 00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:13,350 Just because I happen not to slop around in worn -out C andA special offers, I see 128 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,610 no reason for all this sarcasm. 129 00:07:15,710 --> 00:07:17,150 I was going out if it happens. 130 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,680 But an unexpected change of plan has left me at a loose end. 131 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:28,260 Well, you've struck lucky ears, or... We've just opened a fresh tin of oval 132 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,240 And we're about to throw an happy crunch party. 133 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:36,160 Who was the guy like with? 134 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,060 There's a dreadful smell in this room. I mean, more than usual. 135 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:42,640 That's what I just said. 136 00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:44,680 What do you mean, more than usual? 137 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,240 It was a sort of joke. 138 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:48,580 I feel like being rude to someone. 139 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:50,420 Is that why you've come round here? 140 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:52,920 What was that? 141 00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:54,220 Dunno. 142 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:56,020 Oh, God, blimey. What? 143 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,700 The video's smoking. 144 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,500 Oh, unplug it, then. You unplug it. It's your video. 145 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:02,800 Oh, yeah. 146 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:04,500 Oh. 147 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,440 Oh, it slugs a lot. 148 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,400 Oh, God, the video's done in there. 149 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:11,960 Now we can't watch the film. 150 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,840 Everything's going wrong tonight. You're telling me. 151 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:18,700 Haven't tasted this for years. What's it like? 152 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:20,540 It's horrible. 153 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,320 The milk's gone off. 154 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:29,500 So what are you two doing this weekend, then? 155 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,960 Well, we ain't made up our minds, really. 156 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:36,659 We toyed with the idea of slipping off to Mustique or going to Paris for some 157 00:08:36,659 --> 00:08:37,659 high fashion gear. 158 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,340 We're just giving the staff the weekend off and having a quiet time at home with 159 00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:42,340 a couple of toy boys. 160 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,980 We're the absolute pits at making decisions. 161 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,240 We ain't doing nothing. 162 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,180 Well, neither am I now, and Marcus is away. What a waste. 163 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,780 Can we watch the film on your video, Dore? Oh, yeah, come on, Dore. 164 00:08:54,980 --> 00:08:56,180 Why don't we go away? 165 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,380 I? What do you mean? 166 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,280 What I say. 167 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,820 Have a weekend away. 168 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:03,780 It's only Thursday today. 169 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:08,440 We could go to the travel agent in the morning, find a late booking, and we 170 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,080 could be off on a jaunt this time tomorrow. 171 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:11,479 Where to? 172 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,299 Well, anywhere. 173 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:13,300 It doesn't matter. 174 00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,200 Just a couple of days. Be fun. 175 00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:17,310 Tourists? What do you think? 176 00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:19,010 Weekend in Paris? 177 00:09:19,530 --> 00:09:20,770 Couple of days in Venice? 178 00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:22,170 My passport's run out. 179 00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:26,150 It'll cost a bit, Dore. Well, all right. Somewhere in this country, then. 180 00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:28,490 It'll be my treat. 181 00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:31,750 Marcus did a very big deal last month. He won't even notice. 182 00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:38,410 Oh, we could go on one of those activity weekends. I've been reading about them. 183 00:09:40,070 --> 00:09:41,450 Are you sure, Dore? 184 00:09:41,850 --> 00:09:43,410 Absolutely certain, Tracy. 185 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,760 After all, one must do one bit for the poor. 186 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,500 Where shall we go, then? 187 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,440 What's the weather going to be like? 188 00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:55,160 Hello. Now, here's the picture for tomorrow and the weekend. 189 00:09:55,400 --> 00:10:00,680 And we see the north -south divide in all its meteorological glory. Down here 190 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,300 the south are wind and rain and misery, I'm afraid. 191 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:08,060 Umbrellas and galoshes all round. While here in the north, lots and lots. 192 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:13,310 Of hot sunshine, factor 15, and bikini is the order of the day. Oh, God. 193 00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:14,890 What? 194 00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:18,110 We're obviously going to have to go oop to north. 195 00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:22,750 All those dreadful people with peroxide hair and their teeth in glasses saying 196 00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:24,070 gradeley and champion. 197 00:10:27,530 --> 00:10:30,170 You are such a snob, Dorian. 198 00:10:30,870 --> 00:10:32,170 I do what I can. 199 00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,450 I just hate all those northerners. 200 00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:39,420 You're all so plain -speaking, down -to -earth, warm -hearted and genuine. 201 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,520 I don't know how I can stand it. 202 00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,440 I like being to be natural. 203 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:47,160 Straight up and down, shifty, snobby people who do you down as soon as look 204 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,360 you. You know where you are with people like that. 205 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,340 Well, what are we going to do then? 206 00:10:51,660 --> 00:10:52,900 An activity weekend. 207 00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:58,700 You know, something like bird -watching, tennis, bridge, wine -tasting perhaps. 208 00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:01,990 I don't want to do that sort of thing. And nor do I particularly. We'll find 209 00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:03,490 something we do want to do. 210 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,970 We'll go to the agent tomorrow for a late booking. 211 00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:08,450 Let's see what they've got in here for you, doll. 212 00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:11,290 No, there ain't one. 213 00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:13,030 Ain't what? 214 00:11:13,810 --> 00:11:15,030 A toy boy tasting. 215 00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:24,150 This video recorder, how long you had it? 216 00:11:24,930 --> 00:11:25,930 Dunno, it's not mine. 217 00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,690 Well, whatever you do, don't chuck it out. 218 00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:31,810 Eh? No, because I reckon the science museum will be interested in this. 219 00:11:33,710 --> 00:11:34,710 Can you fix it? 220 00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:35,950 Fix it? 221 00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:38,290 Well, that all depends on the parts, you see. 222 00:11:38,790 --> 00:11:40,270 First, I thought this was a valve type. 223 00:11:40,670 --> 00:11:41,770 You can still get them. 224 00:11:42,230 --> 00:11:44,690 Valves. But I reckon this one's clockwork. 225 00:11:45,890 --> 00:11:48,030 Those big brass horns, you don't get them anymore. 226 00:11:51,190 --> 00:11:52,750 I was only joking. 227 00:11:53,310 --> 00:11:54,310 I know. 228 00:11:54,390 --> 00:11:55,430 That's what I'm fooling about. 229 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,130 Right, it's an old one. 230 00:11:58,350 --> 00:11:59,350 Yes, you said that. 231 00:11:59,830 --> 00:12:02,630 Look, the bloke who owns this house was the first to have everything. 232 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:03,890 That'll explain it. 233 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,590 Probably got it in to record the coronation. 234 00:12:07,170 --> 00:12:10,530 Look, I don't want to seem to be rude, but do you think we could cut the 235 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,390 Paramount City audition and get to the point? 236 00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:15,590 What we have here is a non -functioning video. 237 00:12:16,090 --> 00:12:18,710 Very likely it came out of Fred Flintstone's cave. 238 00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:22,410 Very probably most of the moving parts are made of wood. 239 00:12:23,050 --> 00:12:25,110 But can you get it working again, please? 240 00:12:25,690 --> 00:12:26,810 Well, I'll have a look. 241 00:12:27,310 --> 00:12:28,310 Thanks a bunch. 242 00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:29,970 And if you could manage... 243 00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:36,510 Hello? 244 00:12:37,650 --> 00:12:38,650 Hello, Trice. 245 00:12:40,410 --> 00:12:41,410 No. 246 00:12:41,810 --> 00:12:42,990 No. No. 247 00:12:43,290 --> 00:12:44,930 No. N -O. No. 248 00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:47,790 I am not going rock climbing. 249 00:12:51,110 --> 00:12:52,890 Don't be daft. 250 00:12:53,330 --> 00:12:55,940 I haven't got the gear, the figure or the bottle. for it. 251 00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:57,640 And I don't want to do it anyway. 252 00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:04,440 Look, why can't we just go somewhere and get waited on and have big meals and 253 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,660 get rat arsed of an evening? 254 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,620 That's my idea of an activity weekend. 255 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,140 Barring the other activity that doesn't seem to be on offer these days. 256 00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,060 Trace? 257 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:24,220 Trace, you're going mental. 258 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,720 You are losing your grip on reality. 259 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:31,200 Whitewater canoeing is not something you do for an activity weekend. 260 00:13:32,660 --> 00:13:35,200 Look, I'll tell you what the activity would be if we did that. 261 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:36,860 Drowning, that's what it would be. 262 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,200 Come to the Welsh Valleys for an idyllic weekend's drowning. 263 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:44,620 Fill your lungs with clear mountain spring water. 264 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,000 That's not a holiday. 265 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,520 That's a package suicide tour. 266 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,080 I'm going on. I'm going on because I suddenly seem to be surrounded by 267 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:03,000 Look, these things are for your regular fruitcakes that take their lives in 268 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,180 their hand all the time. 269 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,740 It ain't all to tears, you know. It's not a water slide. 270 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,140 We are talking death and maiming here. 271 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:12,840 Anyway, what's the story inside? 272 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,000 She needs the kiss of life when she cracks a nail. 273 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,960 Trace, this white water canoeing, have they shown you pictures of it? 274 00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:23,670 They have, yeah? 275 00:14:23,810 --> 00:14:25,110 Right, now don't tell me. 276 00:14:25,790 --> 00:14:30,610 The fellas in the pictures, they wouldn't by any remote chance be rugged, 277 00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:35,410 handsome blokes in their early twenties with tiny bums and muscular legs, would 278 00:14:35,410 --> 00:14:36,410 they? 279 00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:41,210 It's just a wild guess, Trace. I don't know what made me think it. 280 00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,470 Anything else? 281 00:14:46,030 --> 00:14:47,030 Oh, yeah? 282 00:14:47,510 --> 00:14:49,590 No, I quite fancy that. 283 00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:51,650 Pony trekking sounds good. 284 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,140 Quite small ponies, are they? Not too tall? 285 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,960 No, I don't like heights, do I? 286 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,400 All right, let's do the pony trekking. 287 00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:04,260 Yeah. Try, Trace. Bye. 288 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,140 You going pony trekking? 289 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,800 Looks like it, yes. 290 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,820 I had an aunt who once went pony trekking. 291 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,180 Did she? Yeah. She fell off. 292 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:15,399 Did she? 293 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,100 Yeah. Flipped into a ravine and got killed by a whitewater canoeist. 294 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:23,920 I can fix this. 295 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,580 Are you being serious now? 296 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,980 I am. Amazing, isn't it? In fact, this one's so old, I can actually repair it. 297 00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:39,180 Look, beggars can't be choosers. There are three vacancies and it's all in. 298 00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,460 Well, I'm going. 299 00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:41,660 Hang gliding. 300 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,180 It's very difficult, three of us at the last minute. We don't have a lot of 301 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,680 choice. It came down to weightlifting. 302 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,140 Hang gliding or fun with trigonometry? 303 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,700 I'd love to learn more about trigonometry. 304 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,260 What are you on about? You don't even know what it is. 305 00:15:58,600 --> 00:15:59,600 Course I do. 306 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,440 It's like geometry, only brainier. Look, could we expend less time on irrelevant 307 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,660 discussion? We are not having fun with trigonometry. 308 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:09,960 Better than trying to have fun with a broken neck. 309 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,960 I am not going up in a hang glider. 310 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,600 What's the wind up me just thinking about it? Oh, you'll be all right, 311 00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,280 They've got these big training machines now and you get all strapped in and got 312 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,000 the instructor. Just the two of you together. 313 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,040 Do you? 314 00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:28,040 Oh, don't you start, Dorian. It's not one of those sort of weekends. 315 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,200 I only said do you. 316 00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:33,540 Yeah, but the look on your face when you said it and I came over all telepathic. 317 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:37,680 All of a sudden I could see you and this hunky instructor with his strong arms 318 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:41,160 and his manly smile and you going on at him about how long he can keep it up. 319 00:16:45,390 --> 00:16:46,390 to pony trekking. 320 00:16:46,490 --> 00:16:49,450 Turned out it was fully booked. As I said, it's not easy at the last minute. 321 00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:52,530 We only got hang gliding because a few people dropped out. Exactly! 322 00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,950 Oh, come on, shall we? We're only young ones. 323 00:16:57,470 --> 00:17:00,230 And if we go hang gliding, we'll never be old at all. 324 00:17:00,470 --> 00:17:02,630 But it must be the most incredible experience. 325 00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:04,569 Please, shall we? 326 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:07,250 Oh, all right. 327 00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:09,930 But don't blame me when we're all in hospital. 328 00:17:10,369 --> 00:17:11,569 We won't, don't worry. 329 00:17:11,849 --> 00:17:13,930 Right, we'll go back to the agent and book it. 330 00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:19,300 You have to take a few risks in life, Sharon, or you'll never get anything. 331 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,000 Nothing to it, Cheryl. 332 00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:43,980 Don't suppose they go up more than a mile or so? 333 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,110 When they crash, it'll just be a matter of seconds before you're cat food. 334 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,150 Oh, I can't do it. 335 00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:54,650 I'm gliding. 336 00:17:54,730 --> 00:17:56,190 I'm a sonar fly to the moon. 337 00:18:02,970 --> 00:18:04,230 Tracey. Hello, Trace. 338 00:18:04,830 --> 00:18:06,450 Look, I can't do it. 339 00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,870 You and Dorian go. I'll stay here. 340 00:18:09,990 --> 00:18:13,510 I've just been thinking. I'll go mental on the course, but Ben won't grab us. 341 00:18:15,310 --> 00:18:16,330 Who's in hospital? What do you mean? 342 00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:19,070 What happened? 343 00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:21,530 Where? Which hospital? 344 00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:24,350 Is she all right? 345 00:18:25,810 --> 00:18:27,330 Yeah, all right, I'll see you there. 346 00:18:27,770 --> 00:18:28,770 Tell our trace. 347 00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:35,570 Well, what happened was, we was walking down King Street and there was all these 348 00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:39,330 horrible men on a building site, leering and yelling at all the girls going by. 349 00:18:39,590 --> 00:18:43,210 So Madam here says we had to cross over, you know, to be near them, like. 350 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,340 Well, of course, there's all this mud and wooden balls and stuff. So she goes 351 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:48,340 arse over tit. 352 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,340 Was she wearing high heels? 353 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,840 There's guys that play football. 354 00:18:53,820 --> 00:18:57,340 Anyway, I knew it was serious when this hunky builder come over to see if he 355 00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:59,100 could help, and she was only quite nice to him. 356 00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:02,040 Blimey. I am here, as a matter of fact, you know. 357 00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:08,720 I may have suffered physical injuries, but I am quite capable of contributing 358 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:09,720 the conversation. 359 00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:13,570 You haven't actually got to talk across me like this. She was panicking. She was 360 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:14,570 in a terrible state. 361 00:19:14,890 --> 00:19:15,890 Because of her injury? 362 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,330 No, because she was terrified they were going to take her to a national health 363 00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:22,210 hospital. She kept talking, I'm a booper person, I've got insurance. 364 00:19:22,670 --> 00:19:26,830 I want the private ward with the colour telly and the smiling doctors. Not the 365 00:19:26,830 --> 00:19:28,890 wards full of common people in C andA's clothes. 366 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,210 I did not, Tracy. 367 00:19:30,350 --> 00:19:30,949 You did? 368 00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:32,830 I did not. I would never say telly. 369 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,940 Coloured television with satellite dish and Nikon digital stereo I may have 370 00:19:38,940 --> 00:19:41,300 mentioned. But there are some words one just doesn't use. 371 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,880 Like awesome, serviette and valance. 372 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,440 Well, what did I say was wrong with you then? 373 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,020 I've got contusions on my gluteal maxima. 374 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,100 Oh, my God. 375 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,340 It means she's bruised her bum. 376 00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:58,220 How do you know? 377 00:19:58,660 --> 00:19:59,820 I talked to the doctor. 378 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,860 I said you was me, aren't I? 379 00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:06,740 You didn't. 380 00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:07,919 I did? 381 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:08,920 Oh, no. 382 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,360 Did you make an effort to speak properly, or do they now think I've got 383 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,460 -class people in my family? 384 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,680 It's all right, Zor. 385 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:19,080 What I actually said was we was just mates. 386 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,480 Thank heavens for that. 387 00:20:22,380 --> 00:20:23,920 I said we met down the DSS. 388 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:29,880 When I helped you fill in the forms for the second -hand cookie you needed. 389 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,740 Being as though you'd never learnt to read and write proper. 390 00:20:33,719 --> 00:20:35,600 You will go to hell, you will. 391 00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:40,020 And I would be very much obliged if, just while you are here, you could avoid 392 00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:45,000 saying things like, art the back, meaning in the garden, and all that up 393 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,380 apples and peaches stuff you go in for. 394 00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:50,560 I mean, if you could just tone down the cups of rosy and minced tart department, 395 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:51,700 I'd be very grateful. 396 00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:54,680 I do not want people thinking I'm related to Doc Cotton. 397 00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:57,900 What's minced tart? 398 00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,820 Well, ears, isn't it? 399 00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:03,270 Mints, pies, eyes, you daft cow. 400 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:04,530 So, 401 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:10,810 that dishy medic's going to be giving your netherwath names a checking over, 402 00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:11,389 he, Dor? 403 00:21:11,390 --> 00:21:13,590 Looks like you're luxing. I suppose it is. 404 00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:15,650 I could kick myself, though. 405 00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:18,490 Why? I'm wearing Marks and Spencer's knickers. 406 00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:24,530 No, I mean top -of -the -range silk, you know, with the high -cut legs. 407 00:21:24,730 --> 00:21:28,910 But I have just bought half a dozen Christian Dior cami knicks. 408 00:21:29,130 --> 00:21:30,350 with see -through sections. 409 00:21:30,630 --> 00:21:35,690 I came with them, hair's breadth of wearing them. My hand hovered over them. 410 00:21:35,690 --> 00:21:38,570 I thought at the last minute, no, save it for an occasion. 411 00:21:39,570 --> 00:21:40,570 Just my luck. 412 00:21:42,550 --> 00:21:43,850 That's a shame, isn't it? 413 00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:47,470 Well, never mind. It won't be round for an hour or so. I could nip home and get 414 00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:48,470 them for you, if you like. 415 00:21:48,630 --> 00:21:49,810 Oh, would you, Tracy? 416 00:21:50,370 --> 00:21:51,650 Well, I could get you, darling. 417 00:21:52,430 --> 00:21:55,760 Bloody hell, you think I'm going to... all that weight so you can flash a poncy 418 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,260 designer gusset for some medic? 419 00:21:57,540 --> 00:21:59,120 You must be off your trolley. 420 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,160 Cammy Nicks don't have gussets. That's half their charm. 421 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,320 So how long are you going to be in here for then? 422 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:06,680 Don't know. 423 00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:09,340 The doctor wants to keep me in overnight for observation. 424 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,100 Well, I don't think much of your chances. 425 00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:15,180 He seems much keener on observing that nurse with the big frutteny bits. 426 00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,480 What are frutteny bits? 427 00:22:18,060 --> 00:22:19,860 More like sixpenny bits in our case. 428 00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:25,860 Oh, friends, have you asked me? Lucky cow. No, no, no. You can have too much 429 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:27,720 a good time. Oh, will you two stop all that? 430 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:29,420 Sorry, Dor. 431 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:30,600 Sorry, Trace. 432 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,300 What are you saying sorry to me for? 433 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,120 You're about to find out. 434 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,080 What are you on about? 435 00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:38,620 Just done a mince tart. 436 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:50,280 Yeah, I'll have you have that. 437 00:22:56,810 --> 00:22:57,810 What was all that about? 438 00:22:58,110 --> 00:23:01,070 Just doing my bit for the poor, Trace. How much did you give her? 439 00:23:01,330 --> 00:23:03,030 A couple of quid. A couple of quid? 440 00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:06,330 But you never give to beggars. You always say that they get more than we 441 00:23:06,730 --> 00:23:09,070 Yeah, well, I was killing two birds with one stone, weren't I? 442 00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:10,290 How do you mean? 443 00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:13,530 I told her that there was a lonely lady in that hospital that never got no 444 00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:15,910 visitors. And she'd give her a couple of quid more. 445 00:23:16,790 --> 00:23:18,090 Oh, shall you never? 446 00:23:18,650 --> 00:23:22,170 Well, it takes Dory and Snotty Green to be ashamed of their best friends, 447 00:23:22,210 --> 00:23:23,210 doesn't it? 448 00:23:26,730 --> 00:23:28,810 I had a word yesterday with your daughter. 449 00:23:31,970 --> 00:23:32,970 Daughter? 450 00:23:33,350 --> 00:23:34,350 Sharon. 451 00:23:34,930 --> 00:23:37,570 Sharon is not my daughter. 452 00:23:38,890 --> 00:23:40,230 Do you know, I thought it was odd. 453 00:23:40,510 --> 00:23:41,510 I should think so. 454 00:23:41,610 --> 00:23:42,750 There's no resemblance at all. 455 00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:45,890 That woman is only a year or so younger than I am. 456 00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:47,310 Oh, yes, of course. I'm so sorry. 457 00:23:47,830 --> 00:23:49,150 Well, I mean a few years, you know. 458 00:23:49,590 --> 00:23:50,630 I'm not trying to pretend. 459 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:51,930 No, no. 460 00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:53,130 Ten years. 461 00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:54,250 Yes. 462 00:23:54,510 --> 00:23:55,510 Ish. 463 00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:57,720 I really am sorry. 464 00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:00,700 So she's no relation at all, then? 465 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:02,780 She's my cleaning lady. 466 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,900 She and her sister Tracy run my house for me. I see. 467 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,560 It's a tragic story, actually. 468 00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:14,000 Their husbands are both in jail. 469 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,360 They were left destitute. 470 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,220 They needed some sort of security, so I thought. 471 00:24:19,580 --> 00:24:20,239 Ah, yes. 472 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,580 I mean, one must do what one can in life at a disadvantage. 473 00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:24,180 Quite so. 474 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,160 They're very vulgar, low -class girls. 475 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,280 But they have good hearts. 476 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,760 And one mustn't be prejudiced in this classless age. 477 00:24:34,660 --> 00:24:36,140 Hello, Mrs Green. 478 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,640 We're so pleased you're going to be all right. 479 00:24:38,980 --> 00:24:40,540 Doctor says you can come home today. 480 00:24:41,290 --> 00:24:43,330 We've got the place lovely for you. 481 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:48,210 We've done all the beds, cleaned all the rooms, black -leaded the range, swept 482 00:24:48,210 --> 00:24:49,210 the chimneys, everything. 483 00:24:50,170 --> 00:24:53,190 And it's an honour to do the work for your mum and no mistake. 484 00:24:57,430 --> 00:25:01,950 While you've been in here, it's brought it home to us, all what we owe you. 485 00:25:02,490 --> 00:25:05,030 Just how lucky we are to have our jobs. 486 00:25:05,690 --> 00:25:09,390 Seeing as how we'd never get nothing better, not common. 487 00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:11,770 Valkyrie girls like what we are. 488 00:25:13,630 --> 00:25:19,430 Um, if you'll excuse me, I'll, uh... I'll see you before you go, Mrs Green. 489 00:25:19,430 --> 00:25:20,670 um, thank you, Doctor. 490 00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:30,730 You were eavesdropping. We listened at the door, yes. 491 00:25:31,490 --> 00:25:36,670 But we'd just like to say how grateful we are to you for taking us in when we 492 00:25:36,670 --> 00:25:37,670 was left in such... 493 00:25:38,219 --> 00:25:39,219 Tragic circumstances. 494 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,480 Well, don't think I'm about to apologise. 495 00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:45,720 Telling that man I was your mother, you should be shot. 496 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,440 God knows what they think of me in this hospital. 497 00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:51,920 I mean, quite apart from thinking that I'm your mother, this appalling tramp 498 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,600 woman came to see me just after you left. Wouldn't leave me alone. 499 00:25:57,900 --> 00:25:58,960 Oh, I see. 500 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,500 That was your doing too, was it, you revolting little cop? 501 00:26:03,260 --> 00:26:04,260 Calm down. 502 00:26:05,569 --> 00:26:08,570 Your gluttonous watch names are in no state to get excited. 503 00:26:09,590 --> 00:26:11,630 You just lie there quietly, Mum. 504 00:26:16,430 --> 00:26:19,010 It's not just the not being able to go away at all. 505 00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:20,830 Are you sure they said that? 506 00:26:21,210 --> 00:26:24,210 We could have done something, couldn't we? They wouldn't even countenance my 507 00:26:24,210 --> 00:26:26,310 having fun with trigonometry, never mind hang gliding. 508 00:26:27,030 --> 00:26:29,390 And they gave me these tablets, I can't even have a little drink. 509 00:26:30,010 --> 00:26:31,210 You've got ovaltine, ain't you? 510 00:26:33,150 --> 00:26:34,570 Well, what are we going to do then? 511 00:26:35,690 --> 00:26:36,750 We could watch that film now. 512 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:37,970 Should have gone back yesterday. 513 00:26:38,170 --> 00:26:39,170 Oh, yeah. 514 00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:40,970 Oh, what a weekend. 515 00:26:42,070 --> 00:26:46,290 48 hours ago, I was all set to spend it in a blaze of romantic bliss. 516 00:26:47,270 --> 00:26:52,510 Sparkling champagne, glittering theatres, gourmet food, long nights of 517 00:26:52,510 --> 00:26:54,610 toyed with by a handsome young lover. 518 00:26:55,590 --> 00:26:58,990 Here I am with two vulgar cockneys, a bruised bum and a couple of oval teeth. 519 00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:02,450 Have a nabby crunch, doll. 520 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:08,900 Hank, I've seen this film. 521 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:10,240 Have you? 522 00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:12,100 Oh, yes. 523 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,800 He's the one. Kills his wife and his boss and gets away with it. It's quite 524 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:16,800 good, actually. 525 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:21,500 Oh. 526 00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:23,060 Sorry.